I told Mike a while ago that I honestly did not need or want anything for Christmas this year. I have said that in the past, but probably didn't really mean it. This year is different. The fact that Mike is healthy and cancer free is enough for me this year. My family is together. My kids know their dad feels good and the cancer is gone.
Of course, Mike being Mike, he still bought gifts. Thinking about it now, I actually feel relieved. (Not because I'm getting presents, although I won't complain!) This means that cancer is not front and center in our lives. Like every other Christmas we will go to church tonight and sing "Silent Night" by candlelight, try to convince the kids to go to bed at a somewhat reasonable time, and wake up way too early tomorrow morning because we are too excited to sleep. That's what I really wanted for Christmas.
The routine and the normalcy with the people I love the most.
On June 25, 2010, at age 37, my husband was diagnosed with colon cancer. Following a right-hemicolectomy, genetic testing determined the cause was due to HNPCC/Lynch Syndrome. On December 9, 2011 he had a subtotal colectomy.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Merry Christmas to Us!
On Thursday, Mike had his first colonoscopy post surgery. What a different experience from the first time he had this procedure!
About 30 minutes after being taken in for the procedure, he was brought back to the recovery room where I was waiting. Nurses made eye contact with me, told me he did just fine, said he could have something to eat after he woke up and didn't close the curtains and shut the door when they left. That was all it took to tell me that the doc didn't find anything. Once Dr Dachman came in to talk to us he affirmed that the scope was clear. He did take some tissue from the reattachment site to be biopsied, but that is just a standard procedure and he doesn't anticipate anything but a negative result for that. He also said Mike doesn't need another colonoscopy until next December.
Later in the day the genetic counselor called and told us not to hold our breath for results from Mayo. Things are moving slow and with Christmas coming it will be after the first of the year before we know anything more than we do now. Not sure what it means that things are moving slow, but at this point I don't really care.
All that really matters right now is that Mike is still cancer free.
About 30 minutes after being taken in for the procedure, he was brought back to the recovery room where I was waiting. Nurses made eye contact with me, told me he did just fine, said he could have something to eat after he woke up and didn't close the curtains and shut the door when they left. That was all it took to tell me that the doc didn't find anything. Once Dr Dachman came in to talk to us he affirmed that the scope was clear. He did take some tissue from the reattachment site to be biopsied, but that is just a standard procedure and he doesn't anticipate anything but a negative result for that. He also said Mike doesn't need another colonoscopy until next December.
Later in the day the genetic counselor called and told us not to hold our breath for results from Mayo. Things are moving slow and with Christmas coming it will be after the first of the year before we know anything more than we do now. Not sure what it means that things are moving slow, but at this point I don't really care.
All that really matters right now is that Mike is still cancer free.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Peace & Joy?
Why is it that this time of year, instead of being peaceful and joyful, becomes so hectic and tense?
This is my third year working the "peak" season answering phones for a local catalog company. Every year I hope it will get easier for Cal to deal with. The first year I worked all nights so was not home much at bedtime. He was only 4 so it was difficult for him to understand. This year he is 6 and I work a mix of days and nights. Now he is upset that I can't always pick him up after school because I'm working. The fact that until about two months ago he went to a sitters house after school two or three afternoons each week doesn't seem to register. He's focused on the fact that for a couple of weeks I was able to pick him up after school every day and now I can't.
Between my job working during "peak" and my two other regular paid jobs something seems to always be neglected. Every year I consider not working peak, but then we would lose the year round benefit of using the fitness center, indoor swim lessons and other activities for the kids. Plus the extra money this time of year doesn't hurt. I am constantly weighing the pros and cons.
I want to feel peace and joy this year, but get so overwhelmed by the other crap that it's hard to find it. I'm anxious about Mike's colonoscopy on Thursday, I'm frustrated at how long the genetic testing is taking and I don't like that my kids feel like I don't have enough time for them. Mike was gone for four days working in Madison this past week/weekend for a big inspection on base. He was out of the house before 4:30 in the morning and either home late or not at all. Cal is getting over bronchitis and I lost my temper with one of his friends yesterday. Then last night was cub scouts for Mike and the kids and a different meeting for me. I miss my family.
Fortunately as of right now we have nothing scheduled for the next three nights. Mike will have to do the colonoscopy prep tomorrow afternoon/evening, which is a tough process, but at least we'll all be home together.
I'm trying not to let the "scanxiety" about the colonoscopy get to me, but it's hard. I don't like feeling scared. Mike says he isn't worried, that nothing could show up that fast, which is probably the case. I'll feel better Thursday after the doc confirms that everything looks good.
In the meantime I continue to try and find moments of peace where I can and see the joy that is around if only I take time to look for it.
This is my third year working the "peak" season answering phones for a local catalog company. Every year I hope it will get easier for Cal to deal with. The first year I worked all nights so was not home much at bedtime. He was only 4 so it was difficult for him to understand. This year he is 6 and I work a mix of days and nights. Now he is upset that I can't always pick him up after school because I'm working. The fact that until about two months ago he went to a sitters house after school two or three afternoons each week doesn't seem to register. He's focused on the fact that for a couple of weeks I was able to pick him up after school every day and now I can't.
Between my job working during "peak" and my two other regular paid jobs something seems to always be neglected. Every year I consider not working peak, but then we would lose the year round benefit of using the fitness center, indoor swim lessons and other activities for the kids. Plus the extra money this time of year doesn't hurt. I am constantly weighing the pros and cons.
I want to feel peace and joy this year, but get so overwhelmed by the other crap that it's hard to find it. I'm anxious about Mike's colonoscopy on Thursday, I'm frustrated at how long the genetic testing is taking and I don't like that my kids feel like I don't have enough time for them. Mike was gone for four days working in Madison this past week/weekend for a big inspection on base. He was out of the house before 4:30 in the morning and either home late or not at all. Cal is getting over bronchitis and I lost my temper with one of his friends yesterday. Then last night was cub scouts for Mike and the kids and a different meeting for me. I miss my family.
Fortunately as of right now we have nothing scheduled for the next three nights. Mike will have to do the colonoscopy prep tomorrow afternoon/evening, which is a tough process, but at least we'll all be home together.
I'm trying not to let the "scanxiety" about the colonoscopy get to me, but it's hard. I don't like feeling scared. Mike says he isn't worried, that nothing could show up that fast, which is probably the case. I'll feel better Thursday after the doc confirms that everything looks good.
In the meantime I continue to try and find moments of peace where I can and see the joy that is around if only I take time to look for it.
Monday, December 6, 2010
More waiting
It seems like that's all we do now. Wait for test results, wait for different test results, and now wait AGAIN. I don't even know what I should be feeling right now. I want to be angry, I am frustrated, but I also just kind of feel empty.
The latest results on Mike's genetic testing have come back positive for Lynch Syndrome. HOWEVER, the lab that ran this particular test has a history of false positives when it concerns the specific mutations Mike has, which apparently have mutated differently than the majority do in Lynch cases. Yeah, I'm confused. So, we wait again. This time Mayo is taking the results from this potential false positive to confirm the actual mutations.
The genetic counselor indicated today that Mike's is the most complicated case she has dealt with to date. Lucky us.
I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by life in general anyway and really wanted to move on with this. Not yet, I guess. Sometimes it's hard to take things day by day and I really need to start focusing on hour by hour. I know I'm on the verge of burning out, but I'm not quite sure how to take care of myself while making sure I take care of all of my other obligations. I can't be the only person to feel like this and I try to remind myself of how much better I have it than so many other people. I don't have room to complain.
I haven't really vented for awhile so maybe this was a good thing tonight. For my family at least. If I can get it out on "paper" maybe I won't be as quick to take it out on them.
The latest results on Mike's genetic testing have come back positive for Lynch Syndrome. HOWEVER, the lab that ran this particular test has a history of false positives when it concerns the specific mutations Mike has, which apparently have mutated differently than the majority do in Lynch cases. Yeah, I'm confused. So, we wait again. This time Mayo is taking the results from this potential false positive to confirm the actual mutations.
The genetic counselor indicated today that Mike's is the most complicated case she has dealt with to date. Lucky us.
I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by life in general anyway and really wanted to move on with this. Not yet, I guess. Sometimes it's hard to take things day by day and I really need to start focusing on hour by hour. I know I'm on the verge of burning out, but I'm not quite sure how to take care of myself while making sure I take care of all of my other obligations. I can't be the only person to feel like this and I try to remind myself of how much better I have it than so many other people. I don't have room to complain.
I haven't really vented for awhile so maybe this was a good thing tonight. For my family at least. If I can get it out on "paper" maybe I won't be as quick to take it out on them.
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