Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Peace & Joy?

Why is it that this time of year, instead of being peaceful and joyful, becomes so hectic and tense?

This is my third year working the "peak" season answering phones for a local catalog company.  Every year I hope it will get easier for Cal to deal with.  The first year I worked all nights so was not home much at bedtime.  He was only 4 so it was difficult for him to understand.  This year he is 6 and I work a mix of days and nights.  Now he is upset that I can't always pick him up after school because I'm working.  The fact that until about two months ago he went to a sitters house after school two or three afternoons each week doesn't seem to register.  He's focused on the fact that for a couple of weeks I was able to pick him up after school every day and now I can't. 

Between my job working during "peak" and my two other regular paid jobs something seems to always be neglected.  Every year I consider not working peak, but then we would lose the year round benefit of using the fitness center, indoor swim lessons and other activities for the kids.  Plus the extra money this time of year doesn't hurt.  I am constantly weighing the pros and cons.

I want to feel peace and joy this year, but get so overwhelmed by the other crap that it's hard to find it.  I'm anxious about Mike's colonoscopy on Thursday, I'm frustrated at how long the genetic testing is taking and I don't like that my kids feel like I don't have enough time for them.  Mike was gone for four days working in Madison this past week/weekend for a big inspection on base.  He was out of the house before 4:30 in the morning and either home late or not at all.  Cal is getting over bronchitis and I lost my temper with one of his friends yesterday.  Then last night was cub scouts for Mike and the kids and a different meeting for me.  I miss my family.

Fortunately as of right now we have nothing scheduled for the next three nights.  Mike will have to do the colonoscopy prep tomorrow afternoon/evening, which is a tough process, but at least we'll all be home together.

I'm trying not to let the "scanxiety" about the colonoscopy get to me, but it's hard.  I don't like feeling scared.  Mike says he isn't worried, that nothing could show up that fast, which is probably the case.  I'll feel better Thursday after the doc confirms that everything looks good.

In the meantime I continue to try and find moments of peace where I can and see the joy that is around if only I take time to look for it.