Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Better today - sort of

Warning to those of you still following the blog - I'm just doing more complaining today...

I seemed to be the only person having a hard time yesterday dealing with the great news about Mike not having to go through chemo.  Everyone who has been on this journey with us was so excited to hear it, but I just couldn't get there.  What is wrong with me that I'm not happier about the news?  I've been struggling since yesterday to try and make sense out of what I actually am feeling.  Some of it I'm almost afraid to put on the blog because of how it might be interpreted.  Maybe today will just be saved as a draft.  We'll see.

Of course I don't want Mike to go through anymore than he has to and chemo would certainly be a rough road.  However, a small part of me wishes we were dealing with Stage II, then Mike could get chemo and we would know there is nothing left of the damn cancer.  How horrible of a thought is that???  To wish my husband had Stage II cancer instead of Stage I?  By being Stage I and not having any additional treatment available there is a lingering concern that all of the cancer cells from the polyp were not removed.  I know he'll have frequent colonoscopies and there is talk of doing a PET scan to check other areas of his body, but I want this thing fixed NOW.  I don't want another 2 or 3 or 6 months of waiting around for more answers.  I guess I need to learn how to deal with the information I have at the moment and move on.  Easier said than done.

There is so much out there about not living in fear of cancer once you've gone through it. I guess I'm not there though.  I'm fearful about cancer cells left behind from the polyp.  I don't want to spend the rest of our lives afraid of something that may or may not come back.  I'll get there eventually I imagine - just need to have more faith.  In the meantime I'm working on getting through this weird loneliness I feel because I'm not as excited as everyone else.

I guess I'll post this anyway.  I'm feeling a bit better than I was earlier and I need to keep reminding myself that this is a process.  All of the feelings I have are OK to have - maybe even "normal".   Without saying it outright, Mike made me realize I'm also taking this frustration with myself & the situation out on the kids even though that's the last thing I want to be doing.  When we first had the diagnosis, we spent the next two weeks leading up to surgery by spending as much quality time together as we could. We had a lot of fun despite what was looming just ahead.  I need to go back to that and enjoy this time we have before the next scheduled doctor appointment in mid-August.  Instead of focusing on all that I am afraid of and have no control over, I should be focusing on what's most important.  Mike is here, surgery was successful, we have an outstanding support system, our kids are happy, our faith is strong and we will continue to fight until we win this battle.


  1. I am so blessed by reading your husband just completed surgery for cancer and is going to have chemo again...we have three young children...the fear of it returning is there...those little tiny cells growing again. Is it gone? Do I dare put my guard down? I am finding peace during this storm by finding hope and strength in my faith and friends...daily struggling for perspective and peace. Thank you for sharing! Be strong!

  2. I am sorry for not replying to your post before now. Between technical issues and every day life I am just now getting back into the blog. I pray that you are continuing to find strength and hope and that your husband is doing well.