I hate, hate, hate the ups and downs of this stupid thing. Yesterday was a great day, the cancer didn't seem to be the main focus of the day. Sure, it was there. Because of it we went tubing & had a great family day. Would we have done that if cancer wasn't a part of our current lives? No, Mike & I would have both been at work yesterday and the kids with their sitter. Am I grateful for yesterday? Absolutely. Do I wish it had just been a normal Friday? I don't know.
How can I be grateful and hate it at the same time?
The fear is back today too. I don't want to focus my energy on that, but sometimes it's SO hard not to. The day after tomorrow is surgery. I'm afraid of what else they will find, I'm afraid of the worst. I'm afraid of what our future will be. I'm afraid I won't be as strong as I need to be for Mike and the kids. I much prefer the days when hope is stronger than fear.
I tell my kids not to use the word hate. It's an ugly word and it's hurtful - just like cancer.
Not five minutes after I posted this, I ended up sitting on the floor rocking my son in my arms and crying as he cried & yelled at God and blamed God for Daddy needing to have surgery. I know how he feels.
Mike posted on his FB page: "God's role in my disease is difficult for an adult mind to grasp. It is impossible for a 6 year old. We tell our kids that God is present in our lives but we also say he is not to blame. God is the cure not the cancer, the doctors not the diagnosis, the healing not the hurt. Cal is tearfully angry today but has nowhere to direct the anger. Zoey is just happy to have a new bracelet. I wish I was 4 years old."