Saturday, July 10, 2010

Up and Down - Again

I hate, hate, hate the ups and downs of this stupid thing.  Yesterday was a great day, the cancer didn't seem to be the main focus of the day.  Sure, it was there. Because of it we went tubing & had a great family day.  Would we have done that if cancer wasn't a part of our current lives?  No, Mike & I would have both been at work yesterday and the kids with their sitter.  Am I grateful for yesterday? Absolutely.  Do I wish it had just been a normal Friday?  I don't know.

How can I be grateful and hate it at the same time? 

The fear is back today too.  I don't want to focus my energy on that, but sometimes it's SO hard not to.  The day after tomorrow is surgery.  I'm afraid of what else they will find, I'm afraid of the worst.  I'm afraid of what our future will be.  I'm afraid I won't be as strong as I need to be for Mike and the kids.  I much prefer the days when hope is stronger than fear.

I tell my kids not to use the word hate.  It's an ugly word and it's hurtful - just like cancer.

Not five minutes after I posted this, I ended up sitting on the floor rocking my son in my arms and crying as he cried & yelled at God and blamed God for Daddy needing to have surgery.  I know how he feels. 

Mike posted on his FB page: "God's role in my disease is difficult for an adult mind to grasp. It is impossible for a 6 year old. We tell our kids that God is present in our lives but we also say he is not to blame. God is the cure not the cancer, the doctors not the diagnosis, the healing not the hurt. Cal is tearfully angry today but has nowhere to direct the anger. Zoey is just happy to have a new bracelet. I wish I was 4 years old."


  1. hmmmm dont be angry at god... well hmmmmm I really think it is ok to be mad at God..sometimes he has the bigger plan ya know??? I know this may not make sense at all but I know that I was really mad at God about 10 1/2 years ago..I asked why, I cursed him....I still say he is going to give me answers... and finally it brought me closer in my faith..and in what I needed to do. Let yourselves feel what you feel. Those are you feelings and they are real.

    I also have to apologize for being able to say these things to you on your blog.... and not in person... as your friend.... it is hard for me NOT to be strong for you and not show how scared I am for you all....I love you guys so much... and am praying for Mike's recovery and strength for all of you through this.

    Allow yourself to feel your feelings. whatever they are.. they are real.. they are yours.. and they are there...



  2. Wishing you peace and calm for tomorrow. Your storm has begun but, let god guide you and you will see the calm waters ahead. I here to tell you 1 year and 8 months later..I'm still alive from having colon cancer..and the Journey is still moving forward! Surrender and have Faith! Mike..make sure you stay on the pain meds faithfully during your hopsital stay..i decided to be brave and stopped the meds..BIG me they are there for a reason. Also make sure you keep breathing in (this plastic machine) for your lungs..It helps so you don't get pneumonia.Sending prayers and healing your way. deb

  3. M- I know exactly what you mean. That's why this blog is so helpful for me. I've always been able to put things in writing MUCH better than I could ever hope to verbalize them.

    I also agree that being mad at God is OK. Afterall, out of anyone He is the one that will forgive us first for our anger.