Wednesday, July 21, 2010

An outlet

It's hard to believe that one month ago today Mike went to see Dr Kramer because he was feeling tired and worn out.  In some ways it feels like a lifetime ago rather than just a few weeks.  When I read back over earlier posts it's almost as if I'm reading about someone else's life. 

A couple of days ago I decided to add a counter to the blog.  I had been hearing from a lot of people that they were reading it or knew of people that were reading it.  On one hand I'm amazed that there are so many people reading this thing.  On the other hand it just confirms how important Mike is to so many people.

This blog started as a way for me to remember everything and ended up as a therapy of sorts.  A way to kind of purge myself of some of the fear, anger, uncertainty, loneliness & frustration that sometimes seems to take over.  I figure if I can put it down in "writing" maybe I won't take it out so much on those I love most.  Won't complain as much, etc.  If people want to read about my complaining, fear, anger, etc. that's up to them.  At least I'm not forcing it on anyone.  Most of all Mike and the kids.

Sometimes I wonder how I can possibly feel lonely.  I think part of it is that, from my current perspective, everyone else has their own lives to lead.  "Normal" lives that aren't surrounded with so many unknowns.  That was us just a month ago.  We always had a pretty good idea of what was going to happen next.  Sure the routine can get monotonous sometimes and things come up now and then to throw a kink in the best laid plans, but we weren't prepared for something like this.   Something that seems to be present every waking minute.  So much depends on the results of something else. 

It's easy to get wrapped up in the chaos of emotions, which can make if difficult to realize how fortunate we actually are.  The tumor was smaller than originally thought.  Maybe the lymph nodes really are clear.  Mike is strong, young and healthy and healing well from surgery.  Our doctors are determined to cure Mike and we continue to receive love & support from so many people.  Sometimes, though, it's hard to find that in the midst of all the other crap.

I love my husband and want to do everything I can to make this experience even a little bit less awful for him.  It's our life together, but it's his body not mine, that has to go through so much.  I know I can't change that, so if I can make things a bit easier for him in areas where I do have some control, I will.  If that means spewing more gibberish into a blog, then that's what I'll do.

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